


The Annual Conference of...

by UselessCommon



Category: Umineko no Naku Koro ni | When the Seagulls Cry
Genre: Alternate Universe - Timeline Kitchen Sink, Comedy, Gen, Spoilers for Parts 1-7 of Umineko
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-12
Updated: 2020-11-12
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:26:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27528385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UselessCommon/pseuds/UselessCommon
Summary: "What's your favorite Umineko character?""Beatrice!""...which one?""Yes!"- AlfredHoneyBuns of r/umineko
Comments: 1
Kudos: 5





	The Annual Conference of...

Nine figures sat in a dining room around a long rectangular table. The atmosphere was... tense.  
In the center of the table, there laid a letter, stamped by the seal of the Ushiromiya family head. The contents of the letter were just read out loud for everyone present to hear.  
Heavy silence went over the room. Then, one of the gathered individuals have build up courage to speak.

"Are you saying... that this letter _wasn't_... written by... a Beatrice?" - said Beatrice, her voice trembling.

"I'm certain," replied Ange, who found the letter. "Should I say who gave the letter again? Having trouble hearing?"

"No, I'm fine. It... just doesn't make any sense, doesn't make any seeeeeense!!!"

"Keep calm, my student" - Virgilia said gently. "You really aren't the one who should be surprised by such tricks."

"That is definitely my legacy, isn't it..." - muttered Beatrice Castiglioni. "I bet none of you are any good at making pasta either."

Beatrice - the one who spoke at the beginning - partially calmed down. "Oh, shut your mouths, both of you! Fine, fine, fiiiiine! I'm calm. But you just told me that the letter wasn't from the Beatrice, and **there are only Beatrices on this island!** There. I said it in red. Also, just so you know, my fascist past incarnation, **I can conjure totally <PAFEKTO> pasta from thin air!**"

"Being a witch sure sounds convenient. Shame I never really was one, right?" - wondered Beatrice of the Hidden Mansion.

"Somewhat annoying, actually. You have to pull so many pranks to remove enough toxin for showing up even once..." - said the Elder Beatrice. "In any case, there's no way this was not a letter by a Beatrice. This is totally absurd and I refuse to believe."

"But it really was Battler, I'm telling you. This, after all, is onii-chan's seal." - insisted ANGE-Beatrice.

The room fell silent for a few seconds.

"Perhaps it was some trick based on split personalities?" - said Clair Vaux Bernardus. "One can do truly ridiculous illusions with those."

" **Right now, the only split personalities on this island are ours!** " - proclaimed Beatrice.

"Yeah, and it's honestly kinda inconvenient to avert our gaze from you when Shannon and Kanon are serving us meals." - Gaap complained. "You still conjure them with magic, so why do you even keep doing this?"

"...Habits."

"I have a habit to never avert my eyes off your gorgeous features."

"Ohoho. By the way, how are you even here? You aren't even a Beatrice!"

"Am too!"

"Are not!"

"Am too! Anyhow, what if Battler wrote this letter, but it got lost, and then found?" - Gaap changed the subject.

"That would be stupid and contrived! Give up and die, moron!" - EVA-Beatrice said.

"All of your versions have the same charm to them, don't they?" - ANGE-Beatrice snarked.

Then, the Beatrices continued to bicker and argue for a thousand years, which were actually just 2 hours.  
After which, they came to an agreement and renamed the sorcerer version of Battler to _BATTLER-Beatrice_ , which honestly should have been done from the beginning.


End file.
